it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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