please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
