YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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