Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
