Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
