We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
