Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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