I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
