I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
