Can i not drive my cunt home
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
