If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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