I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize