i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
