I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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