apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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