Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
