Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
