Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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