We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
