when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
