using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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