Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
