K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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