I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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