If i come over, it means nothing
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
