I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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