He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
