I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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