so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
