apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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