I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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