Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
