Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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