Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
