She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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