A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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