Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
