Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize