when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
