God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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