I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
