I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
