got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
