im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize