I heard we made out
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize