Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
