I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
