did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
