I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
