He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
