Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
