I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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