I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize