i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
