Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
