Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
