Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
