Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
