the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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