Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
