awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
