My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
