when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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