The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
