My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
